Reading… Writing… Depression… Anxiety…

My whole life has been a battle with myself. You are your own personal best friend because no one can get as deep inside your brain as you can. People may relate to you, but they can never truly know how you feel.

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First, as many may or may not know I suffer from migraines that alone affects my reading that is my one true escape. When I know that pulsating drum beat is beginning to take shape, I want my brain to ultimately be crushed so it ends already. That triggers the depression, but when it stops I am like why did I ever feel that way?

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The back and forth pull in both directions is never ending. I began writing as a way of escape the headaches and my dad passing away. Over the past year, writing has helped tremendously, but then you get to the people that tear apart everything you have built which is all part of the process when you want to succeed. So, I battle again with myself. Do I stop? Do I go on? Am I good enough? Am I that terrible? It’s trash! I’m trash! Screw these people it’s awesome! I’m awesome! Am I?

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Anxiety is another issue that I have had since maybe around seventh grade. I can’t talk to people in person most of the time unless I have known them a long time. It’s all just a mix of awkwardness, and I may come across as rude, but that’s not it at all. If I am in a middle of a crowd anywhere, it’s like shakiness sets in and I’m in a bubble with a loud echo where all the sounds blend together. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and run out of the room. Since I self published this feeling has only intensified, so I try so hard to rope it back in.

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I’ve been a grown adult for a very long time now, and when I feel these type of emotions it’s overwhelming. Since I’m a mother, I try to keep it all inside and level it out piece by piece. I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay when sometimes it just isn’t. The days that are good are really good, and the days that are bad are the end of everything. This post may be a bunch of crap thrown together, but anyone who suffers from something that affects their daily life, just know you aren’t alone.

 

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Do you suffer from any type of illness?

 

 

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67 thoughts on “Reading… Writing… Depression… Anxiety…

  1. Candace … first off thank you so much for sharing ❤

    Furthermore … you are a fellow migraine sufferer! Not sure why that makes me happy because migraines are the worst and have definitely been a huge factor in my life. But it just feels nice to know someone who "gets it".
    I am sorry you have these feelings and emotions. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was in high school and you are right, while people can relate, we are all dealing with depression, anxiety, whatever differently and can never really be "known".

    Great post and again thank you for sharing ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks Frankie! ❤️ I have some weird gene mutation that triggers the migraines which my daughter inherited except she has had seizures which I didn’t even know I had until the doc tested me and my husband. It’s nice to know someone else understands even though I wish you didn’t! I wish we could all just be “normal”

      Liked by 2 people

      • It runs in my family too. I got them from my mom but luckily, as far as I can tell, my daughter did not inherit them which is a huge blessing! I remember being so sick in elementary school with migraines all the time. So much so that the Principle thought I was making my headaches up in order to get out of classwork which led to me being treated for ADD for a while.

        I wouldn’t wish migraines on anyone. It hurts my heart to hear about your daughter’s suffering Candace!

        I lose so many days because of my migraines although I have them much less frequent since keeping food logs, identifying some triggers, finding medication that works (but only after the headache has taken over, plus it’s costly). I hope you have something that helps. I know when I can’t treat my migraines I am down for exactly 3 days of misery.

        I support the wish for a suffer free world for all!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Mine started in junior high and every time I would go to the nurse, she was just like “oh a headache”!! What do you use? I tried botox at the neurologist, but I didn’t have luck with that either!

        Liked by 2 people

      • My husband said something about getting in inner ear pierced? Have you heard of this? I swear I would try anything lol

        I take Zomig … its the only thing I have found that works at all but it’s like $20 a pill with my insurance … and I have at least 2 major migraines a month usually more so that adds up quick. And sometimes I will take meds and the migraine comes back the next day. It’s so frusterating! I thought about the botox thing aswell but I havnt tried it.

        Liked by 2 people

      • The neighbor across the street does botox for hers and she says it works for her, so you may want to give it a shot. I’ll have to look up that ear piercing! I’d definitely give that a shot lol!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I think a lot of us book people have some level of anxiety – I’m on meds for both anxiety and depression. Had a drug prob and was self-medicating for years. The fact that you produce anything despite all you go through is a major accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself. 😊

    Liked by 4 people

  3. It always amazes me when people share something that is so very personal and find the courage to do so. I can only say that you have my deepest respect in doing so. I have a friend who also suffers a lot from migraines, and I know how bad she feels when she gets another attack. It really hurts, and truly messes up your daily routine as well. I can also understand how it could trigger depression. I have been following your blog for quite a while now, and have always enjoyed reading it. Seeing the number of followers you have, and the likes and comments you are getting every day I can only say find strength in that. You are able to reach a lot of people with your writing and that is a very rare gift. So you are doing something that makes people happy and gives them joy. Whenever you might feel down again, think on that. It doesn’t solve every single problem, but it should help a bit at least.
    Anxiety is something that I have struggled with my self as well. I envy people who are able to reach out to relatively unknown persons, and talk to them as if they have known them for years. Things have gone better over the years, but every once in a while it pops up again. Especially at social events where large groups of people gather.
    Still look at it this way: through your writing and your blog, you manage to talk to people that are total strangers every day. And you are doing just fine with that. So in other words, you do have that ability within you. Ofcourse talking to people you don’t see is easier, but then again, if you would not be able to talk to people at all, you would not be able to do so on a blog either. So…whenever next you feel anxiety popping up again, think what you would say to someone if they reacted on your blog. Maybe that will help a bit.
    All I can say is: keep up the great work you are doing with your blog. Because you are fantastic at doing it. Thank you for this wonderful and personal post, and please keep hanging in there 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Thanks so much for sharing. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder that stems from dealing with chronic illness. Not migraine is my case but severe allergic asthma and I’m terrified there will be triggers every where I go. It’s a truly horrible thing and it’s always helpful to not only surround yourself with supportive people who get it and to hear other people bravely share their tale, like you.

    Becoming a mother and turning my love of books into something tangible has helped me overcome so much. It still sucks though doesn’t it.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I appreciate you sharing personal information like this! I suffer from social anxiety and I take meds for depression. I have always been ashamed of my depression but seeing more and more people come out and say “hey I suffer from it too and I am not broken” is making it easier to cope with. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Those little demons from depression just come up unexpectedly too. Don’t ever be ashamed, it’s just something extra we have to face as tough as it, but it makes you stronger!

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  6. I am so glad you shared so much with us. It took a lot of courage to do that. You are a very remarkable woman. And a very talented woman. But to do it all you are a very brave woman. As you know, I also suffer with migraines. Sometimes I will have a migraine that will last for weeks at a time. They are completely debilitating. This definitely brings on depression. I also have anxiety disorders. I’m anxious about pretty much everything. I deal with chronic illness, Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have chronic pain pretty much on a daily basis. This really brings on depression. So reading has become my escape. Then I got so I wanted to talk about what I read, beyond leaving reviews on goodreads. So I started blogging about it. It’s been so nice getting to know you and different ones this way. Maybe my next move should be to follow your example and publish my own books!! It was very obvious that you poured your heart and soul into Hearts are Like Balloons…it was such a beautiful book! I loved both your books, that one just really touched my heart.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I appreciate it so much!!! I’ll definitely read your book too! 😘 My husband also suffers rheumatoid arthritis along with his childhood diabetes, so I know anyone who deals with rheumatoid is freaking Superwoman! It has been awesome getting to know you too, and I love your reviews for the books you read!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I get migraines with varying frequency – the thing that really gets me is the, for want of a better word, temporary depression. When a migraine hits me the aura is disturbing and the headache blows, but really its the affective/cogntive shifts that I struggle with. For the couple of hours (God help me when its one of those day long ones) the migraine lasts I find myself falling into the strangest pits of despair that I find hard to even explain during normal times. It’s not like ‘oh I’m ultra sad/negative’ nor is it an existential crisis exactly, but its somewhere in the middle – I find myself preoccupied with mortality, the cold universe all of that stuff things which do bug me in ‘real’ life but always seem to loom centre stage during migraine.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. It is very brave to share you personal experiences in this way!
    I can relate to everything you say as i am in the same boat!
    You write it down so well so keep on doing that! Hopefully it helps and acts as a kind of therapy!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. When my late husband passed away I was no longer actually able to “write.” I had been a writer most of my life. Selling my articles and trying to get a book sold, but after my biggest fan died, I just couldn’t do it. I started to do comics… (www.adeafinthefamily.com) and it seems to help bridge that gap a bit.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I too suffer from migraines. In fact, I spent all yesterday in bed with one. It’s frustrating. I couldn’t meet my daily writing word goal, I even missed my son’s band performance. That set off an “I’m the worst mother” depression. Today, the headache is down to a dull throb, although if I don’t take something for it, it will come roaring back. Good luck, and don’t be too hard on yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. It’s my goal this year to be more honest about how I am really feeling, what I really did with my day. If the answer is ” I wept on the floor, shit my guts out and watched four seasons of Buffy the Vampire slayer” that’s what I am going to say. It’s something like 23 percent of Americans every year suffer from mental health issues and it’s so damn hush-hush that it just makes it worse. We are “Team Depression”, “Team Anxiety” and we are all connected in a raw and powerful way, no one should feel alone

    https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Thanks for sharing- you should be very proud of yourself for not only sharing this with others but also for enduring the struggles that come with it. I see a strength in you that’s clearly inspiring other people and helping them to overcome their own obstacles (judging from the comments).

    And hmm… I normally don’t talk about this (I think out of the 30-40 posts I’ve published, I’ve only discussed this once or twice) but I was abused by my father, who was not only an alcoholic but also absent from the majority of my life. When he was home, he was a monster, and I find myself terrified of not only him, but also the world itself.

    This is evident in the fact that I still live fearing others, despite him now being gone from my life. It ultimately led me to be hospitalized for (multiple) mental disorders I never imagined myself developing.

    I totally get where you’re coming from and again- this is so awesome of you and it’s great to see others in the comments here being so supportive. Know you’re not alone and I love your writing!!

    Looking forward to more of your posts (just followed) and hang in there!! Thanks for sharing!! ❤️

    xoxo
    Angie

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Migraine became a part of my life many years ago. Depression came along like a friend in need and my shoulder hurts like hell, I haven’t felt fit in a long time. That shoulder cause spasms down my neck that triggers that nausea and consequent drum beats across the right side. I get You my friend, I really do. Writing helps, but still I’m asked why I write. And I don’t know what to say.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Sleeping it off helps at time. Also, a drug called Piroxicam helps. At times, my migraine lasts for days & even during the brightest hours of the day I am pushed to look away. I become very agitated and my eyes start to itch and water. Everything starts appearing blur and chaotic. Sleep is the only solution for me. What about You?
        As for depression, I was on medication for quite some time, and I thought I’m done with it. But there are days which make me question my decision to have stopped medication I still suffer from anxiety and that hollow feeling inside continues to linger. Now, I’ve a lot on my mind that makes me anxious and it’s like a trailer of 100 movies all running at the same time. How do you cope with problems like these?

        Liked by 2 people

  14. Thank you for sharing your heart-anxiety is what has gripped me the most in life. It’s a daily battle, Over time I have learned that I can be in control of IT, vs. it being in control of ME. Some days are harder than others. Stay strong! Awesome outlets for coping.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Yes I can understand. My eyesight is poor for reading. The eye doc says to just wear readers but it is a constant battle to find the right strength reader and the right distance from the screen which kills my posture and makes my back hurt. I try to crochet but it is the same hassle of trying to find the right distance from my face for my project and the right glasses for the job. I understand how you feel. Maybe we can all find a common ground here where we can speak without anxiety.

    Liked by 2 people

      • There are lots of great beginner videos on youtube that show exactly how to start a project. It is a challenge at first to decide how you will hold your hands and the yarn and the hook, but once you get the hang of a few basic stitches you can make lots of stuff.

        Liked by 2 people

      • You can do simple crochet stitches. I used just two stitches to make two hexagons and put them together to make a sweater. It just won first place at the county fair. It doesn’t have to be fancy to be useful. Just check out some youtube videos and start with a dishcloth or pot holder. Then the world is unlimited.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was very young. It comes in waves from bad to worse, but never gone and rarely just okay.

    There is strength in our knowing that anxiety isn’t something that’s wrong with us. It’s just a part of us that we learn to manage the best we can… And sometimes that’s a real challenge, but it’s never something wrong.

    I have no answers but offer my support as someone who so gets it. I’m grateful that you’ve shared this part of your ongoing story and even more grateful that you’re writing and creating from that space.

    Liked by 2 people

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