Tag Archive | Headache

Reading… Writing… Depression… Anxiety…

My whole life has been a battle with myself. You are your own personal best friend because no one can get as deep inside your brain as you can. People may relate to you, but they can never truly know how you feel.


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First, as many may or may not know I suffer from migraines that alone affects my reading that is my one true escape. When I know that pulsating drum beat is beginning to take shape, I want my brain to ultimately be crushed so it ends already. That triggers the depression, but when it stops I am like why did I ever feel that way?

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The back and forth pull in both directions is never ending. I began writing as a way of escape the headaches and my dad passing away. Over the past year, writing has helped tremendously, but then you get to the people that tear apart everything you have built which is all part of the process when you want to succeed. So, I battle again with myself. Do I stop? Do I go on? Am I good enough? Am I that terrible? It’s trash! I’m trash! Screw these people it’s awesome! I’m awesome! Am I?

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Anxiety is another issue that I have had since maybe around seventh grade. I can’t talk to people in person most of the time unless I have known them a long time. It’s all just a mix of awkwardness, and I may come across as rude, but that’s not it at all. If I am in a middle of a crowd anywhere, it’s like shakiness sets in and I’m in a bubble with a loud echo where all the sounds blend together. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and run out of the room. Since I self published this feeling has only intensified, so I try so hard to rope it back in.

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I’ve been a grown adult for a very long time now, and when I feel these type of emotions it’s overwhelming. Since I’m a mother, I try to keep it all inside and level it out piece by piece. I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay when sometimes it just isn’t. The days that are good are really good, and the days that are bad are the end of everything. This post may be a bunch of crap thrown together, but anyone who suffers from something that affects their daily life, just know you aren’t alone.



Do you suffer from any type of illness?



My Life: Migraines

Since I was 12 I have had some sort of migraine, and it has been a ride that I wish upon no one. They started out being rather short and once a year to being weeks out of a month.


I don’t have the same form all the time either. I have hemiplegic migraines which are usually about 1-2 days a month, pulsating migraines which are maybe a week or more out of a month, and then headaches which are maybe another week out of the month…

You may think well geez I don’t see how she reads? Well if I have a hemiplegic migraine I can’t, butttttt with these other ones it actually helps distract me unless it is pulsating too bad. Now things with bright lights such a television, computers, ipad, etc. I have to avoid when I have a hemiplegic or pulsating migraine.

What is a hemiplegic migraine you ask? Well good I will list you the symptoms, but first please don’t ever go to google or WebMd for a diagnosis.  All that does is promotes anxiety and usually wrong diagnosis.

Symptoms of hemiplegic migraine include:

  • Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head
  • A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm
  • Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face
  • Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body
  • Loss of balance and coordination
  • Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots
  • Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
  • Slurred speech
  • Dizziness or vertigo
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell
  • Confusion
  • Decreased consciousness or coma

Now I do not have all of these symptoms, but I do have a lot of them and yes it does feel like I am having a stroke.  At times I do want to tear my skull apart, crush my skull together like an eggshell, beat my head against the wall, pull my brain out through my skull and throw it against the ground, and a number of other things that would not be possible.  I just have to take each day the best I can and as cliche as it sounds just remember that there are worse things out there… like not breathing.

I have not found a solution out of everything that I have tried, but my one complaint is when you try a med out and you have side effects yet still have the symptoms.

It was discovered through my daughter who has an SCN1A gene mutation that I have the same thing as well. Some people just think oh a “headache” but migraines are a debilitating disease that no one should have to suffer from.

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Have you ever suffered from migraines or know someone that has? If not do you suffer from any other type of on going illness or disease?