My whole life has been a battle with myself. You are your own personal best friend because no one can get as deep inside your brain as you can. People may relate to you, but they can never truly know how you feel.
First, as many may or may not know I suffer from migraines that alone affects my reading that is my one true escape. When I know that pulsating drum beat is beginning to take shape, I want my brain to ultimately be crushed so it ends already. That triggers the depression, but when it stops I am like why did I ever feel that way?
The back and forth pull in both directions is never ending. I began writing as a way of escape the headaches and my dad passing away. Over the past year, writing has helped tremendously, but then you get to the people that tear apart everything you have built which is all part of the process when you want to succeed. So, I battle again with myself. Do I stop? Do I go on? Am I good enough? Am I that terrible? It’s trash! I’m trash! Screw these people it’s awesome! I’m awesome! Am I?
Anxiety is another issue that I have had since maybe around seventh grade. I can’t talk to people in person most of the time unless I have known them a long time. It’s all just a mix of awkwardness, and I may come across as rude, but that’s not it at all. If I am in a middle of a crowd anywhere, it’s like shakiness sets in and I’m in a bubble with a loud echo where all the sounds blend together. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and run out of the room. Since I self published this feeling has only intensified, so I try so hard to rope it back in.
I’ve been a grown adult for a very long time now, and when I feel these type of emotions it’s overwhelming. Since I’m a mother, I try to keep it all inside and level it out piece by piece. I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay when sometimes it just isn’t. The days that are good are really good, and the days that are bad are the end of everything. This post may be a bunch of crap thrown together, but anyone who suffers from something that affects their daily life, just know you aren’t alone.
Do you suffer from any type of illness?